I Am Not a “Selfless” Dad.  But I Try to Be a Present One.

This Father’s Day, David Sim shares his journey as a father to Alexander, who was diagnosed with ADHD and Autism at the age of four.

In this heartfelt reflection, David shares why fatherhood isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being present.

This request came at a rather surreal moment.

I was seated in the recital hall at Enabling Village, watching my son sing joyfully with Voices of Singapore’s Starlight Choir – a choir for children with special needs.

Learning to Let Go of Expectations

As a musician and lifelong lover of classical music, I used to imagine myself one day sitting in a Concert Hall, watching my son perform with mainstream music groups. But over time, I realised that perhaps the biggest adjustment I needed to make was not to my son’s condition, but to my own expectations as a Dad.

Truthfully, that adjustment is still ongoing.

When people talk about fathers raising children with special needs, they sometimes use words like “selfless,” “sacrificial,” or “superdad.”

Honestly, I don’t really see myself that way.

I lose my patience sometimes. I get disheartened too. There are days when I feel mentally exhausted from repeating the same instructions, managing emotional meltdowns, worrying about school, or wondering whether I am doing enough as a father.

Parenting a child with ADHD and ASD is not always easy. Not because the child is difficult, but because the journey requires constant adjustments, understanding and endurance from everyone in the family.

The Choice to Be Present

So no, I am not a selfless Dad. But I do try very hard to be a present Dad.

I want my son to know that even when life gets messy, even when he struggles, even when I do not have all the answers, Dad is here.

Present at school meetings.

Present at doctor appointments.

Present at school sports carnivals. 

Present during difficult conversations.

Present when he succeeds.

Present when he fails.

Present when he feels misunderstood by the world.

One thing my wife and I agreed on early was this: we did not want to waste precious years living in denial.

Seeking an early diagnosis and intervention for our son was not easy emotionally. I first had to go through a quiet grieving process myself before fully embracing his condition. But we knew that understanding him early would allow us to better support him, instead of constantly fighting battles blindly.

We did not pursue intervention because we wanted to “fix” our son. We pursued it because we wanted to understand him better and equip him with the tools to navigate the challenges brought about by his neurodivergence confidently.

ADHD and ASD are part of his story but they are not his entire identity.

To better support him, I also realised I had to make changes in my own life.

After learning how much movement and exercise can help children with ADHD regulate themselves, I adopted a more active lifestyle and lost 30kg. Swimming, cycling and cardio workouts slowly became activities we could do together. 

My hope is that these simple, low barrier activities will one day become things he can confidently pursue independently as he grows older.

Growing Alongside My Son

I also make it a point to send him to school every morning and be home every night to read and pray with him. No matter what challenges he may face in a mainstream school, I want him to know that he begins and ends each day with love, reassurance and the quiet comfort that Daddy is always with him.

As he grows older, he is becoming increasingly aware that he is “different.” That awareness can sometimes be painful, even for a primary school child.

So I never want him to feel alone in this journey.

I do not spend time worrying about how the society perceives my son. The world will always have opinions. Some people will misunderstand him. Some will judge. Some will compare. Some may even discriminate. The world is not always as inclusive as we hope it will be.

But my role as his Dad is not to help him chase society’s approval. My role is to help him help himself.

To teach him resilience.

To help him recognise his own strengths.

To remind him that setbacks do not define him.

To guide him towards becoming a kind, responsible and grounded young man.

A Journey of Continuous Learning

Over the years, I have also found myself spending more time attending ADHD parenting forums and support groups, such as Unlocking ADHD. Not because I have all the answers but because I want to keep learning how to better support my son, and my family as we journey through this together.

Through all the uncertainties of life, my greatest hope is simply to raise children who know they are deeply loved and never defined by a diagnosis.

I want them to grow up with faith and courage, trusting that their lives have purpose and that even the harder parts of their journey can still become something beautiful.

At the end of the day, I want my children to know this: Dad may not be perfect. But Dad will always be present for them.