Reviewer: Greg Tucker-Kellogg
Most of the books I’ve read on ADHD are written by trained professionals or people with ADHD like myself. “The ADHD Effect on Marriage” — which grew out of Melissa Orlov’s personal experience as a partner in a marriage broken by ADHD — is aimed directly at couples in which at least one partner has ADHD. Orlov writes bluntly about the damage to her own marriage due to her husband’s ADHD, and aspects of their story may resonate with someone in an ADHD-affected relationship.
The book is organised into two major parts: In “Understanding ADHD in Your Marriage”, Orlov systematically describes how ADHD affects a marriage, beginning with a chapter called “The ADHD Effect”. While there is a chapter on the basics of ADHD diagnosis, readers who need to understand what adult ADHD is should look elsewhere. Orlov ends the first part of the book with a chapter on patterns that show up in marriages as an outgrowth of ADHD. This is where ADHD-affected couples may recognise themselves most vividly.
The second half of the book provides a six-step roadmap for rebuilding a relationship damaged by ADHD. The recommendations are well-balanced, in my view, between executive function issues and emotional regulation issues, both of which can lead to damage in ADHD-affected relationships. At the end of the book Orlov includes a set of worksheets and tools. These aren’t downloadable fill-in sheets but strategies for small projects aligned with some of the steps in the second half of the book.
Orlov’s work to save her own broken marriage has led to a career in marriage counselling and consulting for couples with ADHD, as well as a website she maintains and a collaboration with Ned Hallowell. I’ve read this book three times and bought it twice: once on Kindle and once on Audible. I only wish I had read it earlier. While I would have appreciated more acknowledgement of long-term relationships outside of heteronormative marriage, Orlov’s candour, personal experience, and professional recommendations are invaluable to any couple grappling with ADHD in a partnership.
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