Finding Strengths in Distraction
Andrew Wan is a technology and security strategist, with experience spanning the public and private sectors. Andrew now applies his expertise to helping national security agencies transform for the AI age through air-gapped cloud. ADHD has shaped how he learns, works, and connects with others. He now helps people tackle challenges with resilience and purpose. His passion is learning. This includes five degrees, numerous certificates, and reading at least 50 books a year across various disciplines as he continually expands his knowledge.
Quotes
“I thought at the time that my memory was bad, but in hindsight I realised my attention was just bouncing around – you cannot remember what you did not hear.”
“What I learned is that at each stage of life, and in each aspect of life, the challenges posed by ADHD are different, and new coping mechanisms need to be found.”
Early Struggles
I first learned about ADHD in university, through an article on the overuse of Ritalin among U.S. students. My first thought was that ADHD described me perfectly. My second thought was that I should never let anyone know I had it, because of all the negative associations. It never occurred to me to get help for my ADHD. And so I buried all thoughts of ADHD and forgot about it.
I had struggled greatly with the symptoms of ADHD since I was young. People often said I was smart, but staying focused was a constant struggle. When I asked teachers to clarify something, their exasperated reply was almost always, “I just explained that, pay attention.”
As a result, I retreated into my own world. In primary school, I mostly daydreamed, turning my left and right hands into a robot, tank, or plane.
In Primary 3, my form teacher and head librarian proudly told me I was the year’s top book borrower. I would borrow one book at the start of recess, finish it and return it after school to borrow another. I spent recess writing lines for my bad handwriting, but still managed to finish the books. But I found ample time to read secretly during my lessons. I did not learn much in class; I just could not pay attention. I often wondered how my classmates stayed on task while I drifted into long daydreams whenever homework bored me.
Finding My Own Way to Learn
By the middle of secondary school, I was starting to fail some of my subjects. The typical Singaporean solution was tuition, so my parents hired a recent JC graduate to teach me Math and Physics. But instead of teaching me, he just made me read the textbooks. To my surprise, I found the books covered everything I needed. Practicing extensively with ten-year-series exams let me identify and shore up weak areas. This method worked for Math, Physics, and Chemistry, landing me on the school’s Sec 4 prelim leaderboard.
With strategies to manage my inattention, I thrived in junior college—juggling six co-curricular activities, earning a government scholarship, and entering a top university. I completed three degrees in four years (apparently, you can cram in more classes if you skip attendance). Somehow, I had found a way to manage the negative aspects of ADHD while experiencing many of the benefits. So, I locked away any thought of ADHD and its attendant social stigma, which in hindsight was a mistake.
Struggles at Work
It is hard to overstate what a struggle my early years of work were. I was used to excelling effortlessly, but suddenly I struggled. I forgot instructions and details from conversations, staying silent in the long, painful meetings I still try to forget. I blamed my memory, but in reality, my attention was scattered—you can’t remember what you never heard. My confidence sank, and I reverted to the childhood fear of speaking up, afraid of revealing I didn’t understand. I would write down as much as I could in my black notebook, until I spaced out. One boss said my brain jumped around so much that others struggled to keep up. I constantly asked myself what was wrong with me and whether I had chosen the wrong career. But my scholarship tied me down, and I had no choice but to stay.
In retrospect, I was struggling because all the coping mechanisms I had developed as a student did not work. I had not needed to pay attention in class, because I could simply read the class notes. There was no textbook for working life, and no record of the meetings I endured in a daze.
Discovering My Strengths
While I was grappling with normal working life, I did do well in some areas. Colleagues said I was very creative, which I found strange because I was never the artistic type. My strength, I realised, lay in connecting concepts across diverse fields and applying them effectively. After a successful project, a colleague gave me Strengths Finder 2.0, which changed my approach to work. Rather than focusing on weaknesses, I pursued roles that played to my strengths. With supportive bosses, I overcame challenges and began to feel I was truly realising my potential.
I confronted ADHD again only after retiring from the Army, when my son began struggling in school. This time, my reaction was different. First, we suspected my son had ADHD, and my wife was sure I had passed it on to him. Next, I researched ADHD and learned that it can be treated very effectively with medication. By then, the stigma around ADHD had faded, and I no longer worried that a diagnosis would make me unemployable. And so I decided to get medical help for myself as well. I had fantasised that medication would make me perform at my best every day but it didn’t. I do take it for long meetings, particularly when jet-lagged, and it significantly helps me stay focused and participate.
I often wonder how much an earlier diagnosis and treatment could have changed my life. With medication, I might have tackled my early attention challenges and excelled at work. Maybe I would have been medically downgraded and forced to find a job that accommodated my condition. But looking ahead, I am glad for the help to make the most of the rest of my life.
Looking Ahead
I’ve learned that ADHD brings different challenges at every stage of life, requiring new coping strategies along the way. While I have focused here on school and work, ADHD impacted my relationships as well. Every struggle is unique; what helped me doesn’t help my son, and everyone must find their own way. But for others with ADHD, do not give up searching, and I hope you find what works for you too.
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